I was born into an amazing Christian family. I had the best parents I could ever ask for. I grew up going to church, going to Sunday school, and being told stories about Jesus. I never doubted anything as a child. I remember giving my heart to Jesus a few times, but it never felt sincere and therefore it never lasted long.
Fast forward a few years to the beginning of middle school; grade 7 was a really rough year for me. I didn’t have many friends; I wasn’t very popular or liked by my peers. I was very shy, quiet, and I always felt lonely. Grade 8 is where things started to change for me. I was 14, and I had finally made a friend. She sat next to me in science class. We started growing closer, hanging out outside of class, and eventually I got to know the rest of her friends’ group.
I soon developed a huge crush on a boy in that group. We started spending lots of time together and soon, much to my excitement, he asked me out. I remember one day we had skipped class and were wandering the park. We started talking about religion. Kind of out of nowhere, he informed me that he was a Satanist.
This had taken me back a bit. But because I liked him so much, I kind of just shrugged it off, and told him I didn’t believe in anything. It did stay on my mind though. I thought about it for the rest of the day and once I got home, I decided to do a bit of research. I found many pages, websites, and articles about satanism. Eventually, my searches went from, “What is satanism?” to, “How do I become a Satanist?” I found a web page that contained a pretty long verse. On top it basically said that becoming a Satanist is easy, all you have to do is light a candle, recite these verses, and allow Satan into your heart. Without much consideration, I did exactly that and asked him into my heart.
It wasn’t a very noticeable change at first, in fact I never admitted to myself that anything had changed at all. But deep down I knew exactly what I had done. I cleared my search history immediately and closed my laptop. I remember my mom coming into my room soon after and glancing at my laptop. She asked what I was doing, and I just said nothing. I could see it in her eyes that she knew.
Looking back, I see that that’s where everything started going downhill. The months went by and It’s almost as if every day Satan handed me another brick to carry. Depression, anxiety, fear, restlessness, sadness…just little by little so I’d never notice how much weight was being added. I started to change. I had no issues with lying, stealing, or cheating. I never felt guilty. It was like I didn’t have a conscience anymore. I did nothing but lie. I started hating everything around me, especially God and anything to do with religion. I never knew what was happening to me though, not really. Every time that one day would pop into my head, I’d just shrug it off. “Nothing happened that day.” I’d tell myself. “This is just who I’ve always been. I’m happy. I’m in control, I’m my own person, no one can tell me what to do.” The years went on, I grew more and more miserable, more depressed than I ever had been. I woke up every morning wanting to end my own life. I was so tired, so sad. But still I refused to even believe that l wanted to change. I promised myself I would never become a Christian and secretly loathed everyone who I knew was praying for me. The void in my life kept growing bigger and bigger. I moved out on my own so I could do whatever I wanted without what I thought was a “judgmental” eye from my parents. I threw everything I could into my ever-growing void to try to fill it up; drugs, alcohol, sex, cigarettes, money, tattoos, piercings, anything I could think of that would keep me feeling good. I never felt good.
Things just got worse, and worse and worse. The burden on my back kept getting heavier. Words can’t describe how hopeless and stuck I felt.
Looking back, I have no idea how I was even able to walk anymore, especially during these last few months.
Last Saturday is when everything changed for me. It was a night like any other. I had smoked weed before bed just like every night because it was the only thing that could make me sleep anymore. I closed my eyes and almost dozed off.
Now, you know when you’re half sleeping, and sometimes you feel like you’re falling so you kind of jump and wake yourself up? That’s exactly what I felt, except when I opened my eyes it didn’t stop at all. I couldn’t stop falling, I was sweaty, hot, panicked. I knew exactly what was happening. That’s when pure fear took over. Never in my life have I ever felt fear as terrifying and intense as that before. I was completely hysterical at this point, “This can’t happen. This can’t happen.” All I could do was reach for my phone, desperate to call my mom. I was so scared she wouldn’t pick up the phone and I’d keep falling. But she did. All I could say was, “Mom, I’m going to hell, I’m going to hell, I’m going to hell. Please come, I’m going to hell.” I knew that I was given one last chance. I didn’t stop crying until she and my dad came.
As they both prayed, I felt something leave my body, I immediately felt lighter. Then I prayed and asked Jesus to forgive my sins. I physically felt all of my heavy burden just roll off my shoulders; I’ve never felt anything like that before. I spent the rest of the night at my parents’ house. My mom and I talked almost all night and I must have told her I loved her about 50 times (it felt like I hadn’t talked to her in years).
I know for sure my life will never go back to the way it was during those 5 years. The way I felt no love, only hate, was completely exhausting.
It’s been about a week since that amazing night and I feel lighter than ever before. I can finally start fresh as a brand-new person. I’ve gotten rid of everything that defined who I was, anything that would tie me to my old life (clothes, music, friends, even my pet snake).
I’m so, so grateful for everyone who prayed for me and never gave up; please continue to pray for me. I’m so excited to start my brand-new life and see what God has in store for me. I know for sure He has everything under control.